Life is a canvas

And death is the artist.

Every brush, a tsunami, Holocaust, epidemic disease.
Every colour; as white as an angel, as black as darkness, as red as blood.
Every experiment and recording of a car accident , sinking titanic, plane crash.

Death can be very unpredictable when vexed.

Ini mini mimey you.

You could be the next with a noose around your neck, a knief in your skin or water in your lungs.

Let’s make this creative. At the age of 70, 60, 50, 40.
At the age of 18,16,14,12.
At the age of 3,2,1 months old.

Take many in pride of war.
Take few by depression.
Take some by old age.

Stike panic with fire, earth and mosquitos.
A fight too strong..
A drink too many…
Lust overwhelming.

Gluttony, envy, greed.
Turn our own race against us to fight for survival forgetting our own mortality. We all lose the game. A beautiful piece of death’s artwork.
Death just hasn’t painted us yet.
But Death will.

Death takes the most beautiful first.

Micaiah’s xoxo

Sexy things scare me most

I don’t know how to talk about this.
Because I don’t understand completely myself.
Yes, that is how I will start this.
I normally find words.
I could be straight forward or metaphorical.

The title should help. A lot.

I mean. I do, have done, will do… Sexy things all the time.
I’m good at the one nighters, friends with benefits just going through the motions in order to build my ego and self esteem.

Even then… Too often I didn’t enjoy myself.
But yesterday I did.
But it was all pretty harmless compared.
Why is it even on my mind…
I’m so afraid…

Fucking hell, what am I afraid of?
Commitment and sexy things together?  no… Maybe it’s because I’ve always judged them on it… And now I don’t want to be judged…
I don’t want to do sexy things…
But then I do.
Do you see my problem?

I want to hide my legs in black tights and leggings. But I want to show off my sexy under wear, wearing a hoodie with no bra.
Do you see my problem? 

I want to please, but I’m afraid of what you’re expecting, or not expecting, they’ve all been different.

But I don’t need to think of this. This doesn’t come up. It doesn’t have to rush…
Maybe my past is haunting me and leaving my mind unrested.
You put me at ease…
I like what you do. How you do. When you do.

I’m slightly lost. So tired. I don’t know what I’m saying or doing.

I guess I’m not strong enough to move beyond my own personal mind. It’s going too fast for me thinking about five different issues that tie from me being dust in this galaxy, to real life issues humans have caused, to earth and science and everything collapsing in it’s self…. And how magically tragic is all kinda is.

Micaiah’s xoxo

3am thoughts at 5:30 pm

If you’re going to quote lyrics… Quote them right.

But why are people so protective over their music?
Why do people follow bands on Twitter religiously?

Music has saved lives like Jesus performed miracles.

Concerts are the new houses of prayer, place of worship, a place to feel a part of community.

They’ll fight and defend their genres with their lives.

They say it gives them hope, it gives them purpose.

Stories of past experiences become moral teachings about strength, equality, love… All in the form of a melodic chant.

Music. The real God?

Micaiah’s xoxo

Crippling generations through harsh sounds

I don’t understand why parents think shouting at their kids will make them understand what they’re doing wrong.

SHOUTING AS LOUD AS THEY CAN THAT “YOU WILL DO AS I SAY BECAUSE I AM YOUR FATHER!”

What if I think what you’re saying is unreasonable?  Just because you are older than me doesn’t mean you are always right. 

Don’t shout and tell me I’m wrong and I can’t do anything for myself! Explain to me in a level head voice what I’ve done wrong so I can understand, explain so I can learn because I am not doing the wrong thing on purpose…

Unless of course it’s moments like this. Moments that make me want to go against every rule you set. Just so I can prove you wrong.

Shouting won’t get you any respect! If anything I am losing respect for you. So so much. It’s making me desire aging and living by myself in my own terms in this dangerous world.

I’m 15 and they won’t let me cross the road alone. I understand it’s dangerous but fucking hell so is everything.

Sitting in the backseat of their car.
Going swimming.
Walking. Running.
Karate and dance.

“yeah but they’re stupid ways to get hurt that can be avoided,” BUT I DON’T WANT TO SACRIFICE ALL THE FUN THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE TO KEEP ME ALIVE. I will not, cannot just be…. And not allow myself to…. I can’t….

I can’t believe my parents would cripple me so much. Restrain me from life it’s self.  I want to experience not be told.
I just want to live.

Micaiah’s xoxo

Movie thoughts on the other side of the screen

You know in the movies when they have the guy’s thoughts and the girls thoughts when in a relationship? (being stereotypical, I’m sure this happens with same sex or other genders,)

Well it came up in conversation that when I’d mentioned walking and Ranulf had said “you should walk more often,” I remember thinking hmm, I can trick him into thinking he’s just asked me to go with him, and said “you offering? ” and he didn’t disappoint, he agreed and I recently found out that his thoughts had been along the lines of if we go on a walk alone, I could be cute and try to kiss her.

I doubt he would have been able to pull the move though, no offence. Haha, so… Remember, sometimes they’re thinking the same as you are :3

Micaiah’s xoxo

Just better

He’s been listening.
He’s been caring.
He’s been Waiting.

Friday afternoon was a repeat of just Thursday; just better…
We went to the red tree. It’s massive and different, stands out, stands strong.

Not going to lie we did less work than ever before. The work we attempted was on the floor and once I’d pushed him down he’d pulled and rolled me over on top of the work.
I was expecting that, it was amazing.

He told me more of my quirks and never thought I’d actually find a guy who’d figure me out like this. Things I hadn’t even picked up on. Little tells.

He asks me questions that are deeply dipped in sutle personal passions, leading to him saying “I remember you saying you liked neck kisses,” haha, good memory.

But again it wasn’t serious sexy, it was light and lovely and to his surprise, catching him off guard I plant a kiss on his cheek.

Seems like we like to surprise eachother, so when he treated me like a princess, kissing up along my arm like a gentleman… Well what a pleasant surprise.

But it wasn’t all physical, one of the strongest things between us I think is eye contact. No, communication, through a stare. We can understand eachother (even if he thinks I can’t) which is useful since we’re not being official or public…
I don’t really get it but I’m happy with how it is. Very happy.

Everyone else yelling Frustratedly saying we “should be a couple, won’t you kiss already?”
Hey, people are even placing bets, we’ll be able to get money out of this by the looks of things!

As much as that line was only half a joke, I actually have faith in him. I have faith in myself.

Micaiah’s xoxo

Just Thursday

15:10 just ten more minutes.
15:15 just five more minutes
15:20 log off, throw everything into school bag and walk out.

He’s there. I don’t stop, I look over at him and everyone starts asking questions.
Brushing through obstacles, he quickly caught up to me.
Unfortunately the move hadn’t been so Subtle since he had to go back to give in his tie… Being the clever guy he is, he forgot his at home…

Well, technically Oreo’s since Oreo has simba and simba has drake’s tie who has my tie so I have his tie. We’re couple goals.

But we ended up leaving the out the backend of the school… One of the many (like five) exists.

The walk was humorous, filled with random topics each step. Not too random though… Inspired by the environment before us just until we were enclosed by two tall walls.
I don’t mind alleys, but I actually kinda liked the thought of being trapped with Ranulf as he went on about the speed of light.

We got to the opening where he turns and looks at me longingly, giving me that suggestive stare which he puts on.

“nah, you can’t be cute, feck off,” we tease eachother as I refuse to kiss him. He didn’t appreciate that 😉
But almost started running so we’d reach our destination sooner.

And when we get there. Under the army of leaves I took off my black matt blazer that had absorbed heat energy via radiation. I took it off to feel the breeze. We weren’t revising physics however. We were revising chemistry.

We laugh everytime. Chemistry. “I know it’s chemicals that make me cling to you” – Pvris

But just having him next to me was distracting enough. Having seen him every day and never been able to kiss him… I mean, it’s do-able. But it’s so good. It’s just…
Throw my phone away worth. It’s a rude interruption that’s complimentary on all other levels.
It’s teasing and undecided, random but constantly thought of.
It’s not elegant and it’s funny, awkwardly loving and passionate.

We’re romantic, definitely. There was one moment where I’d pushed him and he’d pulled me on top of him. We stared for a while. I can only imagine his thoughts were along the lines of us having a moment. But I saw my hair falling down towards his face. Maybe he liked that, but for some reason. In my three year old mind I thought I’d be a great idea to shout SWOOOSH! And brush my hair across his face!!!

Totally ruined the moment, but his laugh right there was so worth it.

Oh we were entangled in eachother’s comfort zone. Not in a hot mess like usual but a thoughtless act of physical contact, hand holding, leaning on him, hiding, resting… Almost sleeping due to the warmness. The heat transfer via conduction as is vibrates through his body in a chain reaction to mine.

At one I had hiccups so badly they hurt so I had to stop, take a moment, breath…. But they’d come back quickly because he’s so witty, non-stop joking making me giggle.
So he tried to stop me laughing.
I laugh at everything so the only way he could stop me was kissing me.
Well, he basically couldn’t stop for my sake, not that he wasn’t enjoying it.

I’m sure we did some biology revision before this, but I definitely got my phone and Googled what are hiccups.
They’re involuntary spasms in the respiratory system that block air flow.

We started talking about random memories like easter and Christmas and he turns to me asking “why are all your memories sad?” they weren’t sad really… But what came out of my mouth:
“I have good memories, let me think of a good memory,” so I sat and thought for a second before resulting from to “I’m making a good memory now,”
SHABOOM it just happened, we were both impressed but I meant every word. He’s always the charming one. And I really do appreciate and love all the cheesy, cute, lovely things he says but I just never know how to reply.

He left me physically speechless at one point. That doesn’t happen often since I always have something to say. It was like someone had turned off the sound and left me on mute. The only way I could express was visually and physically.

Niether of us wanted to leave. I could have been there now. I fantasise with a fire, cuddles and music. A tent, food and giggles. That’s what he reminds me off even though it’s not a memory I contain. Maybe, a dream.

Love is the lock

So the key…
The key is different for everyone. It’s majestic and diverse. It’s simple but intricate. Unqiue.
Love knows no racism. It does not judge by colour

But by the content of character

Love is not just a treasure chest with diamonds and gold to discover with in. But a map in hopes of that discovery inside.
Many locks may have been unlocked already by family. Friends. Partners. Hobbies. Passions.

When you’re in a rush… Sometimes…  You stumble with yourself, the key to someone’s lock and end up at the wrong padlock multiple times.
Doesn’t mean your key is broken and will never work…

It just means you haven’t been close enough to feel the magnetic drift calling for freedom.

It’s only later that you realise you hold the key to your own padlock. That self discovery takes time and can be supported by other discoveries.

So don’t count on being unlocked.
Count on unlocking!

Micaiah’s xoxo

Beauty comes in many ways

It’s funny how ordinary things are just ordinary things until someone makes them special.

It sometimes just happens

But you might look at that picture and think beautiful like I did.

Sometimes you attempt

Sometimes it’s not the object it self but the beauty the shapes and patterns create. The glows and the tones. A beautiful picture of ordinary things.

And sometimes you capture the magnificent

However, sometimes you shoot just at that spectacular moment and capture something breathtaking. That moment when you see something within and not just a visual.

Pictures can make everyday ordinary things extraordinarily beautiful.

Micaiah’s xoxo

The same code

The same DNA.
We have multiple selves… Or so suggested and implied.

(Ranulf speaks again, after the long while:)
“built on a predetermined mind set and ideals which just change due to the enviroment,”

When we are aware of it… Do we change more or do we try to be a staight line; easy to follow and to understand.

Do we prefer the flexibility of being our different selves with our face as our Base. Our figure as our body and our actions as a new story? Well of course, it’s so much more interesting to read a new page than the same paragraph over and over.

Though some people like repetition. They like what feels natural to them, it’s safe and comfortable. They know what’s coming and they’re okay with it.

I don’t know where this post was heading, or where I’m heading.
Hey maybe this post is just a metaphor for my life. I start with something and it leads me on to something else, then I get side tracked and continue else developing else where.

Micaiah’s xoxo