I feel like I am forced to love this creator for she breathed life into me.
Yet she is the one who refuses to let me live. Shuns me. Chides me.
For unnecessary reasons. Don’t think that just because I am a young naive innocent child I probably do deserve it and I just can’t see it…
No no no, because my dad completely agreed with me ans stood up for me. Simply because she roared fire out of the blue. It was a complete shock, I’d barely walked through the door and a storm of spit was raining on my face.
I don’t understand why she is so blind to my goodness. When I am so praised out of school, and try so incredibly hard to impress yet all I get from her is a mild “well done”. I will stand on podiums with a gold medal around my neck, to which she will not be present. I will stand on stage to which she despises due to it being “a waste of time and money” of which afterwards I continue at school to receive certificates, trips and rewards.
I don’t mean to be arrogant, but the fact that I am not good enough for my mother cripples me. It wears me out. She drains my motivation. Attempts to destroy my happiness by a desire to control.
She turned around and said to me “don’t you think your problem is you have too many friends?” I mean… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I MEANT TO DO ABOUT THAT? I’m not going to stop being friends with people… I actually like the comfort of other human beings unlike that anti-sociable hypocrite.
We are nothing alike. She is just an obstetrical in my life.
I am not going to lie. She can be great. On very few occasions. I mean sure she takes me here and there, but it is with a sour attitude of “I wish you were never born” it just does not make me want to spend a second around her.
Everything she tells me off for… Well fuck it makes me want to do it. For the sake of going against her. She motivates me to do the wrong thing. Honest to God, if I ever do drugs it will be because she thinks I do it, to make her disappointed fantasy a reality so she’d have a good reason to hate me.
Then I would not feel so insulted.
But she makes up in her head that I am a failure. That I will be unsuccessful unless I do as she says. Yet she is the unhappiest human I have ever came to know.
Though I have been told, her life was a mess, and trust me, I still see it is.
So she takes it out on me.
But I do not want a mother.
Not just because of her.
But I look around… they get in the way with their love, their control, their worry. Let us live, let us change.
If we lived in constant safety we would never live at all.