Think about it

Thoughts are magical.
Magic is something that goes beyond science. And if you truly think about it even if science can te you which part of the brain is sending which synapses to type these words it’s still beyond me how we’ve created so much.

Beginning with our thoughts. Do we make.them up? Are they influenced by our environment?  Probably. Maybe they’re not magical. But if you don’t explain it to me. They can be.

Micaiah’s xoxo

To be or not to be (bae)?

We get bored of eachother.
You say the same words over and over.
I constantly play curley’s wife – selfish and self involved. Talk about me, me, me.
You don’t find that fasinating.

I don’t find u fasinating either.
Vaguely I do.
But after one week I know all there is to know and you have two layers…

I’m not in love with you.

I can’t tell you the truth.
Because it would corrupt everything.

I have dreams and nightmares of you.
Our dreams are beautiful. But they’re not real.
Our nightmares are consequences. Warnings of the mind.
But everytime you ask…
I have to lie… Just once more….

Micaiah’s xoxo

How to lose a guy in ten days (intro)

Great movie. It’s a classic rom-com. However, I’m not here to write a review (especially since I don’t normally write reviews and I’d have a pretty amateur point of view though maybe I’ll look into doing more of those) but instead how it has inspired me.

I, as a naive, silly little teenage girl,  have got myself in an overly dramatic relationship and can’t do the grown up thing of just breaking up with the poor boy. Wait, hear me out:

Don’t judge me yet. We met in the midst of a glamorous show. We both auditioned, got through and became part of the cast. Everyone was so great there and I’m naturally a people person and quite confident and making friendships quickly. I also like flanta: flirty banter.

I’m not going to lie, I walked in knowing  would meet someone with romantic potential, it was the perfect place to meet someone, even the timing was great, almost anyone would have been good enough because I do it for the experience, not the super romantic feeling wanted part because with relationships people are either going to break up or get married and I don’t want either at the moment.

Nevertheless, there was this basically perfect guy who played the villain of the show. Tall but super skinny, dark eyes with dark hair topped with a characteristic and really distinct smile, a singing voice of the phantom, talented and passionate with drama (drama being my absolute favourite trait in a guy – unfortunately, they’re normally gay, I’m not being stereotypical, it’s true, it’s where you are most likely to find them. I don’t mean to offend anyone by this though, of course they’re not all gay and of course if people are gay they don’t have to like drama.) and music – plays the drums which I think is hot. Plus he looks really good in a shirt and tie.

He’s also a rookie, first timer (“never kissed a girl” type, don’t worry, we’re all still virgins) like most of them. I know how the first ‘first kiss’ goes though I’ve obviously only had one, I’ve been many people’s first kiss and it can be hypnotising. Misleading. They begin to think they’re in love.

And one thing I’ve learnt about love is that it’s not black and white. You love things, family, friends. There are people I would risk my life for. They’re the people I think I love. Then I try so much appreciation, I’m quite a clingy person to the right people; constantly standing next to them, cuddles and compliments. Almost like a relationship. Which for some reason is different.

I’m beginning to hate relationships because they have expectations. They restrict me. I don’t know about you.

So as I was becoming friends with my cast members some people thought I was being more than friendly when I had the villain’s arm around me or my head on his shoulder or constant glances and smiles. So everyone started taking pictures and drawing hearts around us and putting it on snapchat.

Then one time we were alone. We kissed. It wasn’t awkward. I actually really liked it. However, I had to lie to him straight away and from then on I knew it wasn’t going to work. As cute as a fairytale it is I didn’t want a fling. I didn’t want a relationship either. Too late. 

I kept digging a massive hole for myself, still am, but I want out. He seems to always be in my life and it’s suffocating me. Even though I’ve seen him only once since the show because he lives so far away and there’s no direct transport. His name is still brought up at least three times a day, messaging him, missing the show, general associations/inside jokes and whatever more.

Then, of course like I said, I get quite close with people and my mates tend to be guys and I know if I saw him acting like that with some girls I might feel threatened or jealous and I’m not willing to drop my friendships for him.

So I’ve established I shouldn’t really be in this relationship.
So why don’t you break up with him?

This is the worst part. He’s gotten very clingy and emotionally attached and suffers from a mental health issue and dips quickly. Becomes dangerously upset. I want to help him, unfortunately leaving him would be doing the exact opposite. So I’m in a slight moral dillema…

I didn’t like my dreams

So I woke up.
I recalled them: nightmares.

I didn’t like them.
They scared me.
So I woke up.
I woke up and you weren’t there.

I realise I wanted you there.
I want this to be a bad dream.

I want you to be here.
In this scary, not so dream.

Micaiah’s xoxo

Living 💭

As I sit here, uncomfortably cross legged – losing feeling in my right foot which is slowly picking up pins and needles I type this.

My thoughts I guess. I don’t really have anything in mind. Which scares me, because I’m normally always thinking about something, but whatever I begin to think about seems to… Fade away.

Today should still be a good day (she says with shivering fingers) it’s my best day. Two doubles choices and then another choice. I want to blame my lack of sleep. It probably is that.

Though maybe not. Maybe it’s just my grandmother sleeping in my living room who I haven’t seen since I was five. I can’t hear her sleeping like I used to. Snoring due to uneasy breathing.
No… Wait…. 
Now I can hear her sleeping like she used to. Snoring due to uneasy breathing.

Micaiah’s xoxo

I wish I could take my own advice

Because come on, who doesn’t?

We’ve all probably been in a situation where someone has asked for your opinion and help in something.

One of mine was procrastinating. I told them to turn off their phone and the quicker they get the work done the quicker they can watch the film they’d paused.

I bet there’s so much I could do… If only I turned off my phone…

Micaiah’s xoxo