I miss writing, journalling.
I know this is a blog and I am suppose to, well not write what I write. Be less conversational and less person and less criptic.
Some people find it poetic.
What do you guys think when you read something like this?
Something more memoir, more diary like, the thoughts of another human being you barely know?
Yet, you probably know their (my) inner most deepest thoughts, more than most who know me personally. However, they’re so out of context does it just pass you by? Or does it fustrate you, do you want to know more?
“Not again!” I scream,
The sun is down like me
Lost with no self esteem
From this monster, I’ll never be free
But the sun will rise
Again for us tomorrow
As the darkness dies
And if it rains: rainbow.
I cry at night,
There’s nothing I can do
Memories; I now write
Then cry again because of you.
But wait, you’re gone:
I can live on my own
Someone else to count on
A new beginning I’ve been shown.
It does not matter how he comes, just so long as he comes.
Have I broken us yet?
Has the glass shattered and have you seen the nightmare I really am?
Do you want out yet?
Do I still make you happy?
Or am I over complicating your life with drama you do not need?
These thoughts are plaguing me.
Can I not just enjoy and appreciation your time, effort, love and affection? Must I critise you?
Therefore leading to critising me:
You make me happy when you are with me. If ever I seem to have a not so happy thought about you it is when you are not there. So surely they are not true… Destractions, devils, demons… Are they doing this to me? Am I doing this to me?
I am not stable. I am not okay.
I am not in control of myself.
I’ve forgotten how soothing your voice was.
I’ve forgotten how you cared and supported me day and night.
I’ve forgotten how it feels to say your name.
I’ve forgotten how old you are.
I’ve forgotten how much you meant to me
I’ve forgotten all the hours that mades up days…
All the days that made up weeks….
Weeks…. Months…. Years.
All that gone.
And if I try to say hello.
I don’t exist.
So I guess, I too, am forgotten
Tears streamed down my face. I wished I was sound asleep dreamimg of a sweet safe spot; scurring away from scary scars implimented on my skin in that moment.
It’s just a nightmare. It’s just a dream. I lie… It’s not.
Parents always teach you “to stay away from strangers” and make you watch movies where the pretty little girl with the white dress gets kidnapped and tied up. They don’t show the scenes where her skin is bare and naked, but it’s insinuated. They’re trying to teach you a lesson. They’re doing it wrong.
In real life, it’s not like that. Did you know you’re more likely to be attacked by (1) an acquaintance or (2) by a close/love one before a stranger? I didn’t.
In real life, they get to know you; cajole you into confidently walking into their ‘charming’ cage.
In real life I was too scared to scream: paralysed.
Car or Walk? That was my choice. A life changing choice. I wanted to take my parent’s wheels – I should have known I would of been safe in their arms. Instead I tried to be brave and out going… He’d even promised he only “wanted to get to know” me.
When he stopped behind the trees I realised it was a lie.
Violence erupted from his voice in the art of blackmail. My eyes opened wide. My palms became wet, and so did my eyes, my throat was dry, my heart was pounding and I lost control. The trees shivered as they watched helplessly, as he grabbed me up against them. Bloodshot fear ran in my veins as he put his hands on me. His callous touch burnt my ice skin. I froze as he push my shoulders down until my hands could feel the dirt digging into my nails. The ground smelt like dog piss and he smelt worse.
He undid his trousers.
Forcing my filthy hands around him, beating him to the speed of my shatterd heart. “I don’t want you to use your hands, sweetheart” he oozed in soft pleasure, begging me to carry on as my tears begged him to stop.
“No. No no no no nonono!” I whispered endlessly, until i ran out of breath;until he silenced my mouth. Vomit crept up the back of my throat. I was defeated, defenceless.
Tears streamed down my face. I wished I was sound asleep… Dreaming… Of a sweet safe spot. It’s just a nightmare. It’s just a dream. I lied…